Wednesday 15 July 2015

Eau, Naturel

This story is almost one where you had to be there but I hope you'll be able to experience the shame that my friend Pierce and I had to endure.
You see, Pierce and I both hold a deep passion for showers and showering.  In February of this year, we were at swimming meet where, on one day of the competition, we both had no events to compete in.  So, what we decided to do while the rest of the team was swimming, was to take a long shower.  Both of us relaxed in the bathing area of the change room for a long time. There was many sections to the showering area so luckily we were able to find a more private area where we could just talk and kill time.  The exact amount of time we killed was approximately three hours.  Now, during those three hours of standing under the hot water two things must be made clear.  First:  Pierce and I have known each other a long time and are very comfortable with each other, and to be most comfortable in the shower, we bathed in the nude.  Second:  After an hour and a half of hot showering, to avoid faintness, Pierce and I had to stay hydrated.  
We left our posts in the stalls to refill our water bottles.  The fountain was at the front of the change room, which wasn't a big deal.  And we didn't want to dry off, so we went naked, which also wasn't a big deal.  But the fountain was one of those ancient pieces of technology where you must hold your bottle under the falling water while also pushing the button to produce the water -- that was a little but of a problem as Pierce and I only have two hands.  For multiple minutes, as Pierce and I filled our water bottles as quickly as we could, unable to cover ourselves, the lucky male patrons of the Laval University change room, rounded the corner of the entrance to see two young, barren men, snickering quietly as a herd of grown men parted around them offering looks to be described only as displeased.  It must have been a busy time of day too, because I swear there was a steady stream of unhappy onlookers for those few moments. 

Stay thirsty, my friends. 

You're welcome,

B.F. Greenough, aka,
Chief Hanky, The Nude Noob

Tuesday 14 July 2015

Become Gookish

This is an informal essay I wrote this year. Hope you enjoy. 

Become Gookish

My father owns a company.  He is the president of an industrial air-compressor manufacturer run in Barrie, Ontario, that supplies large portions of Canada, and some reaches of the U.S. with quality machines.  His business is doing well.  I guess there is a substantial consumer market out there for super-powered leaf blowers.  I understand that the air-compressors power factories, hospitals, and well, other machines.  What I do not understand is, why? Why must the forty employees of my father’s company come into work every day in a noisy factory? “Well, that’s easy they need to make money.” Why? I’d ask again, and receive the blatant answer that they need to pay for food and shelter.  But why? They are obviously handy people; could they not manage these things themselves? “This is how the world works, Mr.  Greenough get used to it.” I am used to it.  We all are, and I think that’s the problem.  The entire economic and materialistic system is extravagant.  I think things could be simpler, and for a lot of us, it would be healthier.  
Douglas Gook, my uncle, lives simply.  He exists in a joyous realm, overshadowed by our own, guided by straightforward beliefs: find a home, cultivate food, and travel.  With these three principles at heart, I see the coolest, happiest, most peaceful dude lead a fulfilling life.  He runs a farm that produces fruit, vegetables, and honey.  He sells what he grows to markets and spends his time hunting for chunks of a specific fungi, Chaga, which he also sells for a surprising $50 per pound.  The man eats every meal with his wooden chopsticks and always licks his plate clean.  He is not a hippie; he’s too old for that title, and it doesn't suit him — no, he is a Gook.  He is 6’5” and rocks a tight braid down to his mid-back.  He pees in nature and does not own a cell phone or car.  Like every spiritual person, he doesn't eat meat (he’s a pescetarian), and music is a simple pleasure.  He plays an instrument called a jaw-harp.  Picture a small metal key that you bite down on, which produces a sound comparable to a didgeridoo.  I do not know if was part of his selection, or a beautiful coincidence, but my Aunt (actual blood relative) that he has married, is a flight attendant.  Gook travels frequently and usually freely.  Being directly related has its perks, and my uncle takes full advantage.  (Side note to how my aunt and uncle met — it was on a nude beach.)
We worry about bills, jobs, gas prices, and stock trends because that is the system in place.  I’m not saying let’s collapse it and all join a commune.  I’m also not claiming to know an extensive amount about consumerism and the free market, industrial world.  But I do know we could live in a way that is more rewarding and beneficial to ourselves, that still impacts our society in the same, cog-in-the-machine way we do now.  Explicitly, our current concept of a commendable life is too complex, and ultimately unsustainable.  
My father expands his company deeper into the United States, and my uncle expands his horizons as he travels to Barbados for the first time.  I worry about the fluctuation in my stock investments while Gook pockets the $12 from selling a tub of his honey.  As we are promoted in our jobs, and bestowed the bonus of working longer hours, my uncle receives another llama at his farm.  We envy our neighbour’s new home entertainment system, but should be green with jealousy when hearing Gook describe the first skate on Dragon Lake.  A place where the ice is so smooth that you can glide hundreds of meters off a single carve, and so clear that you can chase the fish dancing below you, while skating laps on the transcendent, crystal platform.  
426 000 cell phones are retired in the U.S. every day (Bourne).  This is similar to the entire population of Halifax throwing out their old phones and getting a new one, everyday.  It is said though, that this consumerism drives growth — that we wouldn't be where we are today without the competitive market.  Many think that this history of buying and selling in a redundant cycle has brought us to the first world.  I received a new phone last Christmas.  My previous one did not break or get lost.  I did not grow because of this consumer act.  I just produced waste that will add to problems of the future.  My uncle is selling the hula-hoops he has made by hand at a festival, but we are getting road rage in traffic because we have a car in the first place, in these foolish, two step situations.  Situations where the dilemma we are faced with is caused by a selfish decision we had already made.  It is messy, fruitless, and not a way of living that our families can continue, or at least shouldn’t want to.  


The saying goes that “Ignorance is Bliss”.  My uncle is not ignorant of the mess, but simply chooses to live free from it.  Something can be learnt from his bohemian ways, and maybe if we became more Gookish, we could swim in the bliss as well.  

You're welcome,

B.F. Greenough, aka,
Chief Hanky, Thought Thinker

Monday 13 July 2015

It Takes Warm Water and Vinegar

I was talking with James recently, reminiscing about some of our best tales.  He told me about another risky evening, during his hoodlum period of last year.  It was in the spring with a couple mutual friends. Thankfully I wasn't involved in this act of misconduct, but it did sound exciting so that's why it is featured here.
It only happened a month or so after returning from his famous Cuba trip with Pierce.  The two of them were at it again, along with a friend Geoff, around midnight in James' neighbourhood.  There had been six boys to start, but their separate egging activities had split them up. With the last three eggs in hand, Geoff and Pierce headed down a side street while James kept watch out on the well-lit main road, close to home.  After not too long, Pierce and Geoff came up the side street at a light jog and laughing, having just hit the bay window of a poor neighbour. Then the three continued up the main road until they were at a safe distance.  By chance and paranoia,  James looked back to the mouth of the side street while Pierce and Geoff had moved on ahead.
As if on cue, out of the blackness of the side road and into the exposure of the steet lights, a bald man -presumably in his low 30s- sprinted towards James with a vengeful, preying manner.  His eyes held such a fury that eggs hitting his front window could not be the only problem in his life. 
James did not do what you would expect a young hooligan to do in this situation. Instead, inexplicably, he stood his ground, shrugged, and innocently uttered the words "wasn't me" while shaking his head. The pursuer, ten meters away from James, suddenly changed his trajectory to Pierce and Geoff further up the main street.  They had not heard the man yet, and once James was obviously no longer the target, he yelled "Run Pierce!".  Surprised at the success of his defence mechanism, and with his heart in his throat, James turned on his heels and sprinted down his own side road only hoping to loop back to his friends soon.
Meanwhile (now from Pierce's eyes), without looking back, he and Geoff, after hearing James' warning, sprinted in terror.  The man was right behind them but prey runs faster than predator.  Being young also had its benefits as the the two took off up the main street and around the corner of another side road.  They spread out, still within sight of each other, and the man decided to continue to pursue Geoff.  He was apparently trying to communicate with the two of them, pleading for them to stop and offering some kind of civilized reaction, using the words "just want to talk".  Fat chance as minutes before he was shouting "Get back here you f@#&ers!" Geoff adapted a running pattern that involved zig-zagging from one side of the road to another in hope to out-swerve the man.  At one point he was almost within arms reach before backing off.
I'm guessing he gave up his hunt for the better part of a minute before Pierce or Geoff realized. The two paired up once again, and fled to the back yard of the nearest property.  They crouched beside a shed, still rigid with panic.  Pierce grabbed a nearby shovel before Geoff pointed out the ridiculousness of that plan.  They waited a while longer before sneaking back onto the road.
That is where, fortunately, James had finished his long loop from his side road to meet up with them.
There was no time to waste because they now worried the man was out on the streets in his car.  That was the end of that night and the end of their shenanigans for a long time.

I'll end with a quotation from the great film Hot Rod:  "Play the victim and you shall be the victim."

You're welcome,

B.F. Greenough, aka,
Chief Hanky, Running Rascal